“My children are small, still lap-sized with many years ahead in my care. And yet, already I know, and I feel that one day, no matter how many diapers changed, bottles fed, books read, hands washed or faces kissed, it will never be quite long enough.”
-Jennifer Graham Billings
Yes, my children are small, still lap-sized, aged 14 months and a month old, respectively. I am a very proud mother of 2 beautiful and adorable girls, Nicole Louise and Beatrice Gabrielle. I consider myself still quite new in the motherhood arena. I only have 14 months (and counting) of experience tucked under my belt. Yet, those 14 months had been the most fulfilling and rewarding times of my 26 years. It was not easy, there were bumps that came along but it was all worth it. After all, every child is worth every thing. Yes, they are still small, there are so many years for me to take care of them before they go live their own lives although I know those years will never be long enough because I will forever yearn for to be with them. And yes, I know I will have much more of those as I journey the road of motherhood.
Having my first child was planned, the second came unexpectedly-but welcomed like the first, nonetheless. Each pregnancy was different from the other, I had difficulty with the first, having a whole day sickness instead of just the usual morning sickness. With the second one, pregnancy was a breeze. I have not had anything unusual except my growing appetite. Each child birth was also different, with Nicole, I really felt the pain of labor and it really hurt so much. I had a normal delivery after more or less a day of labor. With Beatrice, the labor pains didn’t hurt as much. Actually, it did not hurt at all except for more or less an hour into the labor before my OB decided to have my baby delivered by caesarean section because she refuses to come out even after all the medicines to induce her to do so. And yes, the feeling of seeing and holding my children for the very first time was amazingly different from each other.
As my kids arrived, it changed my life completely. And any mother knows what I am talking about. The physical wounds of childbearing will heal, but that becoming a mother has left me an emotional sore so raw I will forever be vulnerable. Now that I am a mom, I have never read or watched about a child in pain or danger without asking, “What if that had been my child?” That I will accept every difficulty in raising them up as long as they are healthy and normal. That, hearing Nicole call me Mama and seeing both their smiles makes my heart jump for joy. When I was still working, everyday was so painful for me to leave Nicole behind. Especially when she starts to cry and calls me, it took me every ounce of discipline to prevent myself from absenting myself from work. Once, she and her yaya walked me out of the gate. As soon as they closed the gate and said her goodbye, she started to cry. I just stood there in front of our gate for about 10 minutes or so, a part of me wants to go back and be with her but, the more professional part of me won. No matter how many years have I devoted in my career, I am now professionally derailed by motherhood. But I have no qualms about it, it is a decision that I made whole heartedly. I know I can land a good job and have a good salary but that is not what is important for me right now. Seeing my children, being with them everyday and every hour is more than enough for my growth and fulfillment. Before, I was so decisive but now as a mother I constantly second-guess myself. Wanting the very best for my kids, I relentlessly think of the decisions that I make whether it be about the most mundane things, like the brand of diaper or milk formula they’ll use, to the most life forming ones like the way on how to discipline them.
Pre-kids era, I was so used getting my way. Getting everything what I want. Now, it is all for the kids. Trips to the malls or groceries are now for them rather than for us. My life now as a mom is of less value. I would give it up in a heartbeat to save my kids, but I’m also praying for more years- not to achieve my own dreams but so that I can watch my kids achieve theirs. I know I will soon shed the pounds of pregnancy yet, I will never feel the same again about myself. I consider the caesarean scar that I have as a badge of honor. It has a story to tell in itself. Having children made me fall in love with my husband even more and for reasons very unromantic. I wish you could understand how much more you can love a man who never hesitates to give what little is left for himself, for the sake of the kids. Or who never hesitates to play with your daughters or who would take care of the baby at night even after a hard days’ work.
Before I became a mother, there were three things that no one could ever have told me: how much labor would hurt; how tedious a life with a toddler be; and how passionately I would love my children. I am glad I have discovered that and discovering much more because of my being a mom.
It would be a long journey, I haven’t had much of it yet, and nevertheless I love it and would never regret having children. So, bring it on!